Rebel, Rebel . . . Academy Awards

The nominees have been announced. The votes have been tabulated. The actresses have starved themselves for several weeks. The moment of truth is upon us!


And the Horribly-Outdated-and-Politically-Incorrect South Rebel goes to . . .


Best Film: The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
A beautiful work of cinematic art. One of my favorite films. If you're not tearing up, you have ice coursing through your veins.

The Ishtar Award: High Noon
It had the best of intentions . . . it just put me to sleep.

Best Actor / Actress: Bogie & Bergman
Duh.

Best Kiss / Love Scene: Bogie & Bergman
Duh.

Best Divine Dog Syndrome: Peter and the Wolf
Wolves are closely related to dogs.

Best Musical Score: Chungking Express
I now have The Mamas and The Papas on my iPod.

The Pound of Flesh Award: Pan's Labyrinth
I saw this film in Spanish class, but the scene in which Captain Vidal gets what's coming to him is priceless.

Best Villain: Mr. Potter (It's a Wonderful Life)
We didn't see this film in class either, but Mr. Potter is the epitome of all that is wrong with this world.

Best Line of Dialogue: Insert various Casablanca quotes here.

Dynamic Duo Award: Chihiro and Haku
Hayao Miyazaki owns.

Best Location: TIE - Mount Rushmore & Rushmore Academy
You know it.

Unforgettable Mise-en-Scene: The shot containing the image of Martin Luther King, Jr. and Malcolm X in Sal's Famous Pizzeria while the building is being burnt to the ground.

Best Hair: Becky Fischer.
Jesus wants you to look fabulous.

Film You Wish Had a Sequel: Jesus Camp
Jesus Camp II: The Wrath of Khan.

Best Concluding Shot: Do The Right Thing
It doesn't resolve anything. Delicious.

Honorary Award: Julian Schnabel
This man is my hero.

Best -Ism: German Expressionism.
It's the only "ism" I remember.

Break in Continuity: Chungking Express.
Because.

Funniest Moment: Opening credits of Dr. Strangelove.
Stanley Kubrick is one twisted f*ck. But I love it.

Most Uncomfortable Scene: The majority of Jesus Camp.
Moving on . . .

Most Challenged: Jean-Dominique Bauby
Go see The Diving Bell and the Butterfly. Now.

Pure Champagne: TIE - The Diving Bell and the Butterfly & Casablanca
That's all she wrote!


And there you have it! The best of times, the worst of times, the winter of our discontent, and so on! Go forth and continue to watch films!